Livin’ Large

by

In the Maxim Magazine article, Crack open a tallboy and let the celebration begin for the 25 biggest short dudes of all time Maxim salutes a slew of shorties. In our opinion, there isn’t much to celebrate but here are a few for good measure:

Coming in at 24. Doug Flutie
Born: 1962
Height: 5’10”
Claims to fame: Uncorked “the Pass” to beat the evil Miami Hurricanes in 1984. Pro all-star in two different leagues—if you count the CFL.
The short story: Yeah, this ageless cult-favorite Patriots QB (still active at 43, he has his own rock band and once had his own cereal brand) would tower over a lot of guys on this list. But in a job where 6’2″ is considered borderline dwarfism, he’s become almost larger than life.

21. Ron Jeremy
Born: 1953
Height: 5’6″
Claim to fame: Hardest-working man in porn, claims a résumé about 5,000 women long!
The short story: Hirsute sex widget was a special ed teacher before a girlfriend sent his picture to Playgirl. The rest is wank-flick history. With 1,000-plus films beneath his belt, the Hedgehog is the most recognizable man in porn.
The extra inch(es): Half as wide as he is tall, but once he whips out his (at least) 10-inch costar, he transforms into a blindingly handsome leading man.

20. Kurt Cobain
1967–1994
Height: 5’7″
Claims to fame: Leader of Nirvana. Married Earth’s most obnoxious woman.
The short story: Even before the Goodwill threads, “rape me” pleas, and Courtney Love browbeatings, the tortured Nirvana frontman was hardly a tower of power. Channeling his trademark howl through a slight frame, Cobain seduced a generation of music fans—but accidentally paved the way for Limp Bizkit.
The extra inch: Short, weird, skinny guys weren’t too popular with the loggers and jocks in rural Washington State, but Cobain played up his shrimp status, hanging out with gay kids to antagonize meatheads.

19. Prince
Born: 1958
Height: 5’2″
Claims to fame: Only pop artist who can sing about female “self-service,” strut around in a purple suit half his life, and still be considered the Man.
The short story: Despite looking more like president of the Little Lord Fauntleroy Society than leader of the New Power Generation, the sex-funk witch doctor has tagged a slew of superfine honeys, including Kim Basinger and Carmen Electra. Turned Sheena Easton bad with “Sugar Walls.”
The extra inch: You’d dress in lingerie, too, if it meant you could rocket upward courtesy of six-inch platform shoes. Well, you would if you were this short and had the mojo to pull it off.


18. Bruce Lee
1940–1973
Height: 5’7″
Claim to fame: Passive-aggressive ass-kicker brought martial arts to the round-eye.
The short story: Beaten by street thugs at 14, “the Little Dragon” dedicated his life to the idea that one should “learn to endure or hire a bodyguard.” It was the last fight he ever lost. Destroyed everyone from Chuck Norris to hordes of attackers with bullet-fast backhands and menacing kitty noises.
The extra inch: How do you know you’re tough? When Steve McQueen and James Coburn are your pallbearers.

17. Jeff Gordon
Born: 1971
Height: 5’7″
Claim to fame: Cali golden boy showed NASCAR’s cracker power base how to win their own races.
The short story: No one makes left-hand turns for three hours better than the most-hated four-time champ in NASCAR history. Also credited with bringing the ultimate redneck sport out of Wal-Mart and into, well, Olive Garden.
The extra inch: El Gordo began racing go-carts on the teenage circuit at age nine, but proved so dominating he was forced out.

8. Jon Stewart
Born: 1962
Height: 5’7″ (counting the hair)
Claim to fame: Fake news godfather.
The short story: On Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, Stewart inspired an entire generation to shuck off its cynicism, overthrow the hypocrite Beltway power thieves, and…well, he hosted the only 2004 election coverage worth watching, anyway. Endeavors to point out that today’s mainstream media has the same news value as Cops.
The extra inch: The former Jon Leibowitz absorbed early career-killing moves, then rode his “Enhancement Smoker” role of Half Baked—“You ever see the back of a $20 bill…on weed? Oh, there’s some crazy crap, man.”—to iconic status.

2. Spud Webb
Born: 1963
Height: 5’7″
Claim to fame: Won the 1986 NBA Slam Dunk contest with a cannonball-like reverse ka-pow.
The short story: The dunk victory insured the jumpy superfreak short-set immortality and paved the way for NBA Smurfs like Muggsy Bogues and Earl “I Really am 5’5″, Honest!” Boykins.
The extra inch: His junior high school coach told him to sit in the stands at tryouts, but Spudster clawed his way to the NBA via junior college and the minor leagues.

Leading the pack – 1. Angus Young of ACDC
Born: 1955
Height: 5’2″
Claim to fame: Satan’s guitarist.
The short story: After dropping out of school at 15 and working for a porn mag, the self-taught (surprise!) master of two-chord blare managed not to choke on his own vomit, thereby becoming coauthor of “Hell’s Bells” (and virtually every other song by the real greatest rock band ever), rather than its unfortunate inspiration.
The extra inch: Along with the trademark schoolboy threads, Angus has kept his adolescent strut. “I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same,” he once said. “In fact, we’ve made 13 albums that sound exactly the same.”

The real question is; where is Tom Cruise in all of this?

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One Response to “Livin’ Large”

  1. Jene Bushlen Says:

    Wonderful post! This is a incredibly enlightening blog site that you have.

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